Women initiate the vast majority of divorces, so there's plenty of blame for them, too. Obviously both spouses contribute to the deterioration of the relationship that leads up to these events, but I tend to place more of the blame on the man for that because it's his role to lead. Why does this keep happening? The most common pattern I see is one where men make serious mistakes (sometimes understandable) and where women refuse to forgive (sometimes justly). I feel like a soldier charging into battle, watching his friends to the left and right suddenly die in gruesome ways, wondering how many of us can make it to the finish line. It has left me wondering whether we're going to have any married friends when we are old, or whether all of them will have fallen apart. Watching the destruction of your friends is painful. Maybe you have advice for them, but would your friend even listen? Has he considered what might happen, or does he think divorce is something that only happens to other people? Other times, you can see the signs of marital stress on your friends, like a train wreck approaching in slow motion. Many people won't talk about their problems until it's too late. Part of what makes this painful is how sudden it all seems. What if they had been able to talk through their differences? What if they had gone to someone else for help? Could they have kept their family together? Not talking gets you in trouble One incident went a little too far and what could have been forgivable instead became a domestic violence charge and a rapid divorce, leaving a child to be raised without a father. It turns out they had been having increasingly severe verbal fights. Friends who, from all outside appearances, seemed to be doing very well. And yet none of that matters now, because nothing can be done about it. If he had only shared his struggles with his wife and tried to get help, I'm sure things could have turned out very differently. It turned out he had a secret addiction which finally came to light and totally destroyed his life. And then one day, totally out of the blue, I heard the news that he was arrested. The husband was a successful entrepreneur and by all accounts a great guy. Everything seemed normal and perfectly fine from the outside: an ideal couple with a beautiful family, well respected by the community. The first time I saw it happen it was a shock. Especially when you can see that they are both knuckleheads and the whole situation could have been avoided if they just spent more time in serious conversation. It's not easy to watch friends struggle in their marriages and domestic lives. Yet there seems to be a new stage: one where many of these marriages fall apart. At 32, I'm past the stage in life where all my friends are getting married.
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